My journey into motherhood was not like
others. I should restate that. At first
it was. I was like many other first time
moms growing into motherhood through counting down the months of pregnancy as
my body bloomed, swelled, and swayed with my first child. A perfect text book pregnancy and as my belly
grew so did my love for the baby inside. I celebrated each new pregnancy
milestone with excitement, worries, and wonder with my proud husband by my
side. I spent nights and days wondering about our daughter's future and who she
would be and worrying that as a new parent I would not live up to my own
expectations of motherhood. Looking back
now I guess I did enter the first part of motherhood like most mothers.
Where my path into motherhood diverted
from other mothers was the day I delivered my daughter at full term and she was
born still and silent into my arms. My heart full of sorrow and my body shaking
with pain as I could hear my soul break apart.
My hopes and dreams of becoming a mother shattered into a million little
pieces on the floor that I feared would never be able to be put back together.
That late December afternoon I held my first born and only child Nora's sweet
cold little body for only moments against my warm chest but her 8 pound and 5
ounce being left an imprint on my heart that will live on, even though she
never will.
Fast forward twenty two months and a new
but anxious pregnancy later and here I am now rocking my seven month old
daughter to sleep wondering how I got here.
To this place where I get to love and cuddle this beautiful bundle of
human being, my second daughter Zoe? I
can honestly say I am happy now with my family of four, even though one is
forever missing. But sometimes I wonder
what if Nora would have lived? What kind of mother would I be now? How would I be different?
You see, I wonder this because the mother
I have become today is all due to the mother I never got to be to my eldest
daughter. When my Nora died I knew that
if I ever got a second chance at being a mom again that I would want to be one
that is mindfully present, fierce in her love for her children, and accepting
of whoever my child becomes.
That is the kind of mother I hope to
be.
That is the positive change I want to
make in my life.
I want to live a life that both my
daughters can be proud of. I want to
carry my grief over the loss of one daughter through my life and turn it into
ever present acceptance and fierce love for my living child. I aspire to do this every day and honestly I
don't know the steps I take or will take to get there. What I do know is I wake up every morning
with gratitude that I get one more day in this life with my daughter and I use
those moments to live fully and love deeply. Then if I'm lucky enough I will wake up the
next day and do my best to aspire to do it all over again, loving both of my
daughters with a full and grateful heart.
Lindsey Henke - her blog, Stillborn and Still Breathing. Founder and editor of Pregnancy After Loss Support. Writer, clinical social worker, wife, and most importantly a mother to two
beautiful daughters. Lindsey is also a monthly contributor to Still Standing Magazine.
