True confession: I have found safety in being a “good girl.”
Most of my life I took pride in being a rule follower. Listening to authorities and doing what “made
sense.” All in all, this isn’t too startling. But it has come at a cost. It has at times clouded my authenticity, made
me question my worthiness and sometimes kept me from paths that would have led
to more meaning and joy.
There have been glimmers of light
in years-gone-by where something greater -- something more powerful -- has
directed me. But that guidance didn’t
come in grand ways. Rather it
nudged. I can recall moments where a
small inner voice would break through the static-like noise of external
directions. And when I listened, when I
perked up and paid attention to that tiny voice, my life would almost always
take a turn for the better.
An example that stands out for me
happened during my third year in college while studying overseas in London. I
was getting close to completing a degree in mass communications/journalism by
that time. But that small still-unnamed
voice caught me off guard that semester -- on a school-sponsored field trip to
a London museum. While touring through
the museum, I stumbled upon a tour guide with a group of children gathered
around her. These students were animated and their eyes lit up with curiosity
and joy. Seemingly out of the blue, my heart started pounding. I had tears in
my eyes. I was trembling. I had no
explanation for this visceral reaction but something inside me had been lit on
fire.
While common sense dictated there
was no time or money to change majors and become a teacher, I started to pay
attention to the whispers, growing louder in my heart. To be practical, I applied to several
journalism graduate programs, but was not accepted to a single one. I found I
was embarrassed but not disappointed. On a “whim” (whisper?) I had applied to a
single program in art history (my second “because I liked it” major). To my great surprise, I received an
acceptance letter to the art history program -- and a full scholarship! Upon
arriving at campus to visit the school that summer, an inner whisper nudged me
through the front door of the University art museum to inquire about work. Again, I was answered in the affirmative with
a paid internship in the museum’s education department. One yes after another materialized, and so
began a 20+ year career of being a museum educator. And my heart pounded
repeatedly in my work, as it had unexpectedly that first time in London years
earlier.
But life evolves and circumstances
change. Cross country moves, motherhood,
depression... such events can silence that inner voice. The whispers still
broke through in isolated situations, but the voice would silence again in
short order, when I stopped actively listening for it.
My positive change, which will
unfold slowly, is to learn to again listen within. To listen to the voice I’m
not sure I can define. Call it God, the
Universe, intuition, instinct... the
name doesn’t seem as important as the purpose. I learned years ago that when I
gave that voice importance, it grew in frequency and clarity. And when I answered that voice with
affirmation, the universe responded accordingly. I find that I’m in need of that voice
again. I yearn for it. And slowly it is starting to return. This is the whisper that deserves my
attention, and illuminates the direction of authentic purpose. I think I can feel my heart pounding harder
already.
“You
must train your intuition -- you must
trust the small voice inside you which tells you exactly what to say, what to
decide. ~ Ingrid Bergman
Image credit: Michael Nelson
