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It's interesting how crisis can back us into a corner and force us to change. You can choose to go down, up, around. I chose to go inside.
A divorce was my crisis. I was with someone for years who was a great person, but not for me. My soul would speak to me and let me know it was all wrong, but I decided to bury the sounds by adopting an external persona that was so far from myself, I almost lost me.
Luckily my situation changed suddenly as the Universe has a way of creating a path even if we turn our nose up to it. I decided I needed to address the storm on the inside.
I didn't want to do this. I had built this image around myself of what I thought I should be and what I thought I should feel, but what choice did I have? I was miserable and I wanted peace. When the concept of peace became more important than any egotistical idea of what I should make myself, I began to heal.
I enrolled in yoga teacher training and I started addressing that muffled voice inside. At first it was not happy. I found myself very angry, resentful, and hateful towards myself and yes, other people. I realized I hadn't cried in years and that I always held onto this armor and belief that if I let that go I would get attacked. The attacker I found was me. I was hurting myself with toxic thoughts. I put myself down constantly. I would let myself stand up like a cat with a mouse letting it wander just a bit, before swiping with a razor claw to knock myself down again.
After bringing awareness to my thoughts, I started finding ways to let go of that toxic clutter and invite in seeds of love to grow. I started working not to knock myself down, but to lift myself up. This is still not easy and takes daily discipline. The reward is amazing though. I look at myself and I love what I see. People feel loved in my presence, because I do love them. I have so much love for myself and others that it overflowed into a yoga studio where I now have a sacred piece of my heart to share with the world.
When I let all of the armor fall off, I didn't become weak, I became stronger.
Image credit: Erin Geraghty - Thrive Yoga
