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Some years ago I was in what became a very
self-destructive 7 1/2 year relationship. When that ended, I was
heartbroken. I was also left wondering what had gone wrong and why.
I began to understand that the relationship ended
because it was unhealthy for me; somehow I knew it, and after many struggles, I
got out of it.
In the aftermath of that relationship, I realized that the
emotionally unhealthy person I had become was not who I wanted to be. It
was time for a change.
After relentless, deep, unwavering soul-searching, I decided it
was time to find the me I wanted to be instead of being what someone else
thought I should be. (I am good at mirroring others' behavior instead of
being true to myself.)
I decided to be the best person that I could be. I wanted to
be a person that I was proud of.
Here is where I started:
Firstly, I had to practice patience.
I realized that to understand another human being, I had to LISTEN
with my ears, with my mind and with my heart instead of planning my response
while the other person was talking.
I resolved that I would be thoughtful and kind and careful in
responses to others, especially if their comments hurt or perplexed me, instead
of being sarcastic and snarkey. (I can have a very sharp tongue. I needed to soften the edges of that tongue.)
Then I had to tackle understanding.
I realized that to understand another person means to ask
questions of that person and then to imagine myself in his/her shoes to try to
understand behaviors different from my own.
I put my "teacher" brain to work to teach myself that
adults are no different than teenagers in that our brains, our thinking styles
and our learning patterns are not all the same. If I wished to make an
impact on someone, I needed to try to understand how that person responded to
the world around him.
And, finally, I had to learn respect.
I needed to respect and validate my own desires and needs.
Only then could I consciously decide if a person I thought I wanted to be with
was worthy of me.
Is this it? Is the secret to my happiness so simple?
Nooooo....there have been hundreds of little lessons learned in this
journey. And many more waiting for me. But now, I look for them, I
think about them, I examine them to see what I can learn.
And I'm still learning...and loving it, loving me...finally...and my life.
And I'm still learning...and loving it, loving me...finally...and my life.
Image credit: Betty Coffman Short, on the shore of Lake Superior
