After years (over 2/3 my life) of restricting my food in one way or another - usually dieting and extreme dieting, I recently began re-feeding myself and have no restrictions on my diet. While one would think that this is an easy change, it has been the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life.
I am getting support through multiple sources, including therapy, which helps immensely.
What I realized is that I used food restriction as a control measure. I would obsess over food, my diet, my weight, and therefore, didn't need to react to things happening in my life. It was a distraction, a way to place blame when things were bad, a way to celebrate when things were good, a way for me to control my life and surroundings, and it was damaging.
Our society tells us that in order to be healthy one must look a certain way. Because, of course, there are NO unhealthy skinny people! If you are fat, you are lazy, unhealthy, ugly, and a burden to society. I believed it of myself and of other people. That makes me sad.
I am learning to accept myself at my new size. I am learning to see the beauty in everyone regardless of their size. I am noticing that there are things in my life that I have fully neglected and buried under my obsession with food and controlling my food. I am learning that I have MAJOR feelings. This is not easy. But it is a good change and in the end, it is a healthy change. - emailed to Wonder Anew
